November 22 2004.  11:23 PM

You have so much going on in your life right now, and so much that is going through your mind.  I wish so that I could be there for you right now....be there with you.  I want so badly to tell you that I'm not mad at you and that I don't have any bad feelings towards you.  There was so little that was wrong with us really.  All it would take is just a little bit of work.  Yeah, it would take effort - but the payoff would be so great.  We can have so much more fun together....so many more experiences to share together.  So much life....so much love still left to share.  I know you're hurting right now.....and if I was able to be there for you I would.  I hate to think that I'm causing you pain.  The thought of you with somebody else right now is really killing me....especially Dan.  You can do SO MUCH better than him....you deserve so many great things out of life and I'm so scared that he's going to hurt you.

I feel so foolish writing this journal because I know how it could look to somebody who sees it.  I can't continue to internalize my thoughts and feelings I need to let them out, and this is the only way I can without making myself look like a freak or something.

I finally took our picture out of my notebook, and removed the notes from you from the back.  I think tommorrow I might record the notes on here.

I feel so confused about so many things right now.  Anastasia has asked me to go and see her but I really don't want to.  Everything that you and I have shared together...all of the memories...all of the comfort of us......all of the love.  The idea of being with anybody else makes me feel sick.  We are SO good together.  I keep waiting for my phone to ring....or my MSN to pop up..but I know it won't happen. 

I guess this is all just part of the healing process....waiting for my feelings to die.  I don't want them to.....not in the least!  But I know that is what you want...or at least what you're saying you want.  I can't help but think that you cut me loose because you were afraid of hurting me.  God damn I miss you Amanda.  I know that things can be awesome with us again....but I'm not going to beg you or try to convince you or anything like that. 

November 22 2004.  8PM

It's hard to believe that it was almost two years ago that we first talked....that we first met.  You were so beautiful when I first met you.  I was so scared to talk to you, but you were just oozing with sweetness, and kindness.  You made me feel so at ease.  We kept talking on MSN, and a few months later you invited me to watch a taping of air farce with you.  I remember being so nervous about going with you.  I talked with Sheldon about it all day while we were on patrol and while we were responding to emergencies.  I remember the butterflies I had in my stomach the whole day.  I felt soo nervous driving to your house that first time....about seeing you, and meeting your parents.  You were younger than I, and I didn't know how they would react.  I remember sitting outside your house for a few minutes, updating my OPP notebook.  I had purposely not updated it because I wanted to have an excuse to prep myself before getting out of my car and going up to your door.

It was one of the best times I've ever had with somebody.  You and I were in the back seat of the blazer, practicing our slouching techniques.  You parents were up front driving.  We just had lots of chit chat..it was great  We got to TO, and I remember how bitterly cold it was, and you were shivvering.  You were so cute (I know it's weird) but anyways, sitting there watching Air Farce with you was so much fun!  I remember you had leaned near me and I was all shy and said "ewww get away from me!" jokingly...and I remember after the show your dad and I were standing outside waiting for you and your mum to come out of the washroom and he was asking me about the OPP and I never understood a word of what he was saying lol.

Then on the way back that night we were talking, and you had offered me half of your sub but I declined....and when we got back to your house you invited me in, but me being so damned shy, I declined.

Two nights later...during a really  horrible snow storm you invited me over to your house to watch "The Ring" with you.  It was such horrible weather, but I really wanted to hang out with you again, you were such an awesome girl...and I saw something special in you.  I drove through that storm, and we watched the movie, and even though you were terrified by it, I was left unimpressed by it.  What I WAS impressed by though was the conversation, and comfort that came by spending time with you.  I remember I left your house fairly late that night.

We started talking every night on the phone before bed....we would talk on MSN until 1030, and then you'd call me as you got ready for bed...and we'd talk until 1 or 2 in the morning.  We'd do that EVERY night....even after I had just been at your house.  We'd spend 3-4 nights a week together, watching movies, and hanging out, and just enjoying each others company and developed such an awesome friendship. 

There was so much about you that I liked, and you were meaning more, and more to me.  I remember being at your house one night, and you buttoned up my jacket for me as I was leaving...it was one of the sweetest things a girl had ever done before.  Such a small, little thing - but it meant so much.  I think it was at that point I was realizing that I was falling for you.

We spent a LOT of time together....me teaching you how to drive the Bronconator, you teaching me that there was so much more to life and that there were so many feelings in my heart that I never knew existed.

We continued like that for months....slowly progressing.  Flirting more, you at my house, me giving you a massage....placing my hand on your cheek, and you melting in my hand.  I knew then my feelings for you, and how much I wanted more than friendship, and I think you did too.

I finally sent you that email one day.  I felt like such a retard.  It was April 15th 2003...and it was well after midnight.  We had already talked on the phone that night, and hung up.  I was so nervous about sending it...but I'm so glad I did.

We never really talked about it for a few days after that, i was feeling pretty awkward.  I had tried brining it up with you, but I took your "not talking about it" as a "not interested".  Then we finally talked about it, when i was at jamies that night.  I had talked with her so much about it, and I was so nervous about it.  Things hadn't been totally "sorted out" with you and I, and then Jamie was hinting at fooling around.  All I could think about was you.  how much I wanted to be with YOU!.  When i think of that now, I try and understand how you could have slept with Dan when you tell me that you missed me so much.  How 3 days after telling me how much you missed me, us, everything, and how dirty and dissapointed in yourself you were for making out with Dan you could go and sleep with him.  I try and understand what was going through your mind, but I just don't.  Seeing that hickey on your neck made me want to vomit.  Knowing that you would jeopardize everything for him, and that you enjoyed it so much makes me want to cry right now.  You said you were sorry, and that you regretted it...all I can do is let that go.  I love you so much Amanda, and I was so patient and understanding and forgiving, all I needed were for you to end things with Dan, and make me feel special.

Anyways, a few days after being at Jamie's for the night, you called me and invited me to spend the night because the next day we were going to the zoo together with your family.  We rented a few movies, and during city of angels...during Iris...we held hands for the first time.  My whole body was on fire, I felt on top of the world.  We kissed for the first time during the credits, and we made out quite a bit.  It must have been all of the time we had spent together, and all of the feelings that we developed leading up to it.  It felt so great, so right....so amazing.

The next day at the zoo, where we had our first picture together...holding hands..hiding it from your parents....sneaking kisses in the dark....enjoying being with you soooo much.

Things progressed with us pretty fast, and we made love for the first time about a week after getting together.  It was the most connected sex I had ever had with anybody...it truly was making love.  We were both kinda freaked out about it at first...but we sorted it out...and we made love so often..it was incredible.  We'd spend so much time together, and we'd talk EVERY night before bed.  I'd spend more and more time at your house.  We'd send emails and MSN messages to each other each morning.  We'd talk online at lunch time if we were around, or on the phone.  We were inseperable.  When we weren't working, or busy with other things, we were busy with each other.  We had SO MUCH FUN together.  It was amazing.  We went to MB20 shortly after we got together.  We went to Timmins camping.  It was such an awesome trip together.  Yeah, things went wrong like the whole raining thing and bugs and bears and no working BBQ etc, but we still made the best of it.  Then we went to the concert, which was so much fun.  I remember the can coming at you and me pulling you out of the way, it just missing you.  You looking at me and telling me how safe you felt with me. 

That night we went back to our little tent, and made, and laid next to each other naked.  It felt so good with you in my arms, our bodies touching with nothing between us.  I knew I was falling in love with you.  Then we went to killbear, and on our hiking trip, and spent so much time in our tent together, just enjoying each other, and 'being.'  I remember when we were leaving killbear, and you wanted me one last time in the tent....while people were outside waiting for our site! 

I rememer on the way back to Bolton I felt as if I had just experienced the most incredible week of my life. 

I remember helping you to learn how to park the car, and how upset, and bitchy you got.  You ripped me a new asshole many times that day, but my teaching helped...and you got your G2!!!  Yay!  I remember all the times that I'd tuck you in at night, and go and sleep on the couch.  I remember when we first started dating how I had hurt my neck, and you being such a sweetheart, you put muscle rub stuff on my neck and shoulders.  God, whatever happened to the girl that used to care about me so much, and make me feel like I was really cared about. 

i remember you coming to wonderland, and dropping off my sweater for me because I was so cold that day.  You were such a sweetheart.  I remember you coming over to my apartment in orangeville with my mom earlier this year, and just surprising me. 

I remember so many things.  Taking pictures of you and karly as a couple.  Rushing to your house late one night to fix your computer for you because your assignment was due the next day.  I remember how excited, and happy you looked when I was able to save your work from your bad hard drive.  I remember how excited you used to get when we talked on the phone for the first time in a few hours.  I remember how ecstatic you would be when I walked in the front door of your house after work, or after school.  I remember you calling me in the winter time, and you were so upset because you got the blazer stuck half in the driveway, half in the road and were worried about a ticket.  I remember the look on your face when you came home and saw that i had snow blowed the driveway, and got the blazer unstuck.  You looked so happy to see me, you looked like no matter what was going wrong in the world, I could make it better.  You made me feel like I was your world.  You made me feel alive inside.

I remember so specifically when I first truly realized that I loved you.  Standing in the middle of the melee at wonderland, watching fights break out, and people going crazy.  Hearing about all of attacks all over the states and canada.  I remember thinking that I can't die without telling you how I felt.  I tried calling and the phones weren't working, so i text messaged you.  I remember getting to your house that night, after all the chaos stopped, and feeling all awkward and weird because you hadn't said anything in response.  It was that night you told me you loved me.  It was that night that we stayed up so late just talking, and being, and making love.

I remember bringing you to my dads house, and shining that laser pointer on the wall.  I remember our trip to Montreal, and how pissed off you were getting being stuck in the car for so long, and how negative you were about the whole thing - which was so unlike you.  I remember hiding in the closet while you were having your talk with Val, and jumping out at you.  I remember us watching our movie together for the first time while we were in montreal.

I remember us making a turkey dinner for my mom and your parents.  I remember us doing so much together.

I think about this summer, and the time we spent together.  It was so amazing.  We would spend so much time together.  We were both so nervous about you going away to University.  I remember how upset and sad I was that I had to work the weekend before you went away.  I remember staying up for 2 days helping you pack and get ready for university and going for brunch at the race track.  I'm looking at those pictures right now.

I remember the video you made me for your birthday.  how it brought tears to my eyes....seeing how much you loved me, and how much I meant to you.  Each and every time I have watched it, it brings tears to my eyes.  You mean the world to me amanda, and I don't understand how you can let me go if you say you love me so.  I remember you going off to Texas, and me missing you so much, and you missing me so much.  I remember you saying you probably wouldn't be able to spend much time talking with me.  I remember dropping you off at the airport.  I still have the note you gave me when you got back..

It said:

“Hey James,

It’s my second last night here and I talked to you earlier, but this is the first night I don’t get to talk to you right before I fall asleep (with a sad face beside it).  It’s very sad.  I can’t wait to fill that void spot in my bed and feel your arms around me holding me tight.  I can’t wait to see you Tuesday!!  I have so much to tell you (kind of) but plenty to show you.  I have a couple surprises for you, but you’ll have to wait until yoru birthday for the majority of it!  I miss you right now, I wish you were lying here beside me on this little bed.  Speaking of little beds…I can’t wait for Montreal! (With a big smiling face)…we can spoon all night long.  It will be a dry run for University since we’ll have a teeny tiny bed there too!  Worst comes to worst you can sleep on the floor!  Haha j/k!  My writing is pretty messy….I’m tired, wearing glasses and using a binder to write on.  I don’t know why I’m writing to you since SOMEONE didn’t have time for me! * tears * with a :P face.  I’m kind of surprised..Texas isn’t that different front Ontario just the freakin humidity!  I was a permanent puddle..lovely eh?  Hehe…we went to a store today and at the entrance it said “do not bring gun inside” lol..geez, crazy Texans!  Everything revolves around what university you’re affiliated with…Univ stuff/souveniers at stores, malls..everywhere!  It’s bizarre! Ahh…I can’t wait to see you, I really want to pick up that phone and call you, but you have to get up at 5:30, you wouldn’t appreciate it!  I’m pretty pathetic, I talked to you every night so far, to reduce the missing you level, but it still doesn’t measure up to the real deal.

I miss you hun..can’t wait to see you in 2 days!  (minus about 5 hours since it’s just after midnight here!)  I love you!!! (a lot)

PS  Oh ya…we’re getting married on a cruise or Hawaii..just putting the fortune together with what my mum said.  42 hours and 40 minutes!

Amanda”

You drew hearts all over that note.  I keep it in our photo album now, along with the other notes from you,  I miss our talks at night so much.  You’re online right now, and I want so badly to message you, but I won’t, because I know you don’t want me to.

I remember us at the Mandarin, and me getting the fortune saying you and I were going to get married.  I remember how red your face went when you read it.  I remember our one year anniversary.  Going to hairspray…and how sad you looked when I didn’t have your necklace yet.  I didn’t have the money at the time to get it for you for our one year….but I did have it picked out.  I don’t think I ever told you that, and it’s not like ti really matters anyway since you have probably thrown it out now anyways.  It always looked so pretty on you.  I remember when we thought it was lost.  You were so sad, and I was so sad.  I can’t believe how lucky I was to find it.  The universe was in balance again.

I remember the day I drove you to Trent, with your parents in the Blazer, and you and I in my car.  I remember the risk you took to help me get that car too.  You were willing to put a LOT of money on the line for me.  I remember helping unload everything into your room.  I remember wanting to do nothing other than hold you close to me, and not let you go.  I remember so badly wanting to run out after you as you were leaving and tell you how much I love you and how much I was already missing you.  I remember how empty it was when your parents left.  I remember wanting to wait there for you the whole day, but thought it was better that I not.

I remember waiting for you to call that first night, and tell me all about things.  I remember how excited I was to see you that first time in a whole week.  We had never gone that long without seeing each other!  I remember the feeling I got in my stomach when you first told me about him, too.  I remember telling your mum about it…and her assuring me there was nothing to worry about.

Things started going downhill once you went away.  You wouldn’t take the time to do the little things anymore, and you started to become distant.  You moved farther and farther away from me, and started to lie to me about things….start to hide things from me.  I let it go for a while…and then I tried talking to you about them, but it didn’t do any good.  We just started to fight, and the more I tried to open communication, the worse things got.  We had our break after I sent that email to Dan.  You really hurt me with the things you said in that email, any girl should stand by their boyfriend when something like that was going on…but you didn’t.  That was the first real signal to me that things with us were going sour.  After our break you were good to me for a while…but still continued to let things progress with Dan.  We broke up on our 18month.  The letter you gave me that night said so many nice things, and about how much you cared for me.  I couldn’t believe it.  I can’t believe that after all of that, the hours of crying and hugging and kissing each other, that you could make out with Dan.  I forgave you for that a long time ago, but I still don’t understand it.  All the talks we had when we were broken up…about how much you missed me, and regretted shit with Dan.  I just don’t get how it could progress to sex with him. 

We got back together 17 days after we broke up.  When you first told me you slept with Dan, I felt like throwing up.  But the realization was that the connection you and I had was still there, and that our love was still there.  Shit happens, life goes on, and that’s the way I looked at it.  We made a promise to each other that night to talk about things, be honest, and not hide things anymore.  We spent the Saturday together.  Having a shower together, being close to each other.  Going to Hamilton to see Louis…to thank him for all the help he gave us.  To wish him a happy birthday, and to let him know we appreciate his friendship.  We spent so much time walking in the park, being close to each other.  You telling me how much you missed me, and loved me, and how bad you felt for everything that happened.  We made out that night…..we laid there naked…feeling our bodies together again.  It was incredible.

The next day you went back to university, and I went to work.  You had lied to me about what had happened with Dan when you got back to University, and you lied to him about us,  and you even went so far as to invite him into your room at 130am.  I actually don’t know if I totally believe that nothing happened that night.  I’m sure he probably tried something.  I remember getting to your res that Friday night, and us literally rip off each others close, and you making it clear to me how badly you wanted me.  I remember making love with you.  I remember the feeling of everything being so right with us, and so amazing again.  I remember feeling your body against mine all night long.  I remember the next day….when I opened Pandoras box.  I will forever regret doing that – if I hadn’t have done that, we would be together at this very moment, instead of me sitting here typing for the past two hours.  You would be in my arms right now.  But I did what I did, and obviously there was reason.  It was wrong, but I did it.  We talked about it….and you were a lot more upset with me about that, than I was with you about ALL of the stuff that you had done.  I still don’t’ quite understand that…but then again it doesn’t do me any good to try and do that.  We had an amazing time at the Christmas party, and if it wasn’t for the stupid holiday inn, we’d have had such a relaxing night.

The next time I saw you you seemed so happy to see me….we made love that night, and we spent the night with our bodies next to each other.  It was the most incredible love we had ever made….I felt so connected to you. 

The next day you were in class, and I tried cleaning your room for you….and I came across that note.  You had so many nice things on it about me….but it also seemed by what you said that you and dan were “Friends with Benefits”  I don’t understand why you got so mad with me when I showed you that, but you did.  And why we broke up, I still don’t know.  It was a simple question I had, but it seemd to blow out of proportion with you.  I just wanted clarification about it – not an ultimatum, or make you decide.  You made it seem like you were breaking up with me before you went off to class…but apparently you weren’t.  But then later you did, and I don’t understand it.  If you love me as much as you say in your letters, and to other people, why are we apart? 

Was I not understanding enough?  Did I not give you enough?  Is Dan that much better than me?  Am I not forgiving enough?  What’s wrong with me?   Is it the insecurity?  You KNOW why I became insecure – and you told me that anybody would be after the things that you had done.  All I needed were those two little things – trust and feeling loved.  All I wanted were the little things, and you to show me that things were over with Dan.  I forgave all of the lies, the things that happened with you and him.  I just needed those two things.

More than anything I want to talkt o you right now, and tell you that I love you and that I want to give it another shot.  But I won’t.  Because obviously if you wanted to be with me still, you would be.  Doubts are natural after what happened with us, but breaking up with me and saying that you love me so much just isn’t right. 

I’m trying to move forward in my life right now, and I just wish I could tell you that if your feelings change to tell me, but I can’t.  I can’t contact you.  More than anything I want to be with you, and hold you in my arms.  But I need to feel secure, and I need to feel loved…and the only way that will happen is if you come to me.  And there is a huge part of my heart that is telling me that will happen.  And there’s a huge part of my brain that’s telling me it won’t.  I just can’t see how after we shared so much together you can just change your feelings so fast.  I can only pray that you will want to be with me one day…that what we had was strong enough to lead you back to me….to make you want to be with me again…and live our lives together.

If we’re meant to be, then we will be.  But until the time comes, I can’t concentrate on you anymore.  I will probably write on this page daily about the thoughts and feelings I am having, “my therapy” of sorts I guess.  Although you will never read this (just like the notes I put on the back of our pictures in your album) it at least allows me to vent my feelings.  Being apart right now is something that will either bring us closer together, or tear us apart forever, completely.

The thought of not having you in my life at all scares the shit outta me Amanda.  You have been the one constant thing in my life.  There was never a point that I doubted our love until you went away and he came in the picture.  If our love was real, and true….we will survive this.

“Did I ever tell you
How you live in me
Every waking moment even in my dreams
And if all this talk is crazy
And you dont wut I mean
Does it really matter
Just as long as I believe


I will love again though my heart is breaking I will love again stronger then before
I will love again even if it takes a lifetime to get over you heaven only knows
I will love again


People never tell you
How really true you feel
I would die for you gladly
If I knew what loss for me
So if all this talk sounds crazy
And the words dont come out right
Doesn’t really matter
If it gets me through this night


I will love again though my heart is breaking I will love again stronger then before

I will love again even if it takes a lifetime to get over you heaven only knows
If I’m true to myself nobody else can take the place of you
But I've got to be strong tell me what else can I do

I will love again though my heart is breaking I will love again stronger then before
I will love again even if it takes a lifetime to get over you heaven only knows


I will love again (3x)(i will love again)
And do you know
I will love again (i will love again)
You cant stop me from loving again, breathing again, feeling again

I will love again......”.

There is no other song that I can relate to now more than this.  You opened up the gates of my heart, to feelings I never knew existed….being able to experience even a fraction of those feelings again makes all the pain I am feeling worth it.  I love you.